Skip to main content

How shutting down your feelings can be disastrous to your relationship.

 


#Emotions #HealthyRelationships #Communication

Research has shown that suppressing your emotions pretty well shuts down communication within that relationship. Let's chat about what the findings from one study might mean for your relationship. James Gross, a scientist who studies emotion, found that when we try to suppress emotion, this is what happens:

• It's very hard to do - basically it doesn't work. We have to work very hard to shut an emotion down once it is up and running, and in the process, we often get more agitated and tense. This is especially true in close relationships when the trigger for the emotion, the other person, is still there giving us signals that get us all
fired up.

• Emotion doesn't stay inside our skin. When we try to shut feelings off, the people we are relating to also get more and more tense.

When we are denying our feelings, our partners probably get tense because our faces register our feelings way faster than the thinking part of the brain can shut them down. So our partner knows there is something going on when we say "Oh, nothing is wrong. I am fine." This partner also knows that we are shutting them out. When partners can't read our cues, they can't predict our behavior. We say one thing but they see another. It makes sense that they get tense. Probably this uncertainty puts everyone off balance and adds to the likelihood that the conversation, or even the whole evening, goes sour.

Emotions are fast. It takes about 100 milliseconds for our brain to react emotionally and about 600 milliseconds for our thinking brain, our cortex, to register this reaction. By the time you decide that it's better not to get mad or to be sad, your face has been expressing it for 500 milliseconds. Too late! The emotional signal has been sent. It's like pressing "send" on your email before you double-check content and email address. Not only that, but when you deny the message, this is puzzling for your partner and makes it harder for them to feel relaxed and safe with you. You are suddenly someone who can shut them out as if they don't matter!

What does all this tell us as lovers and partners? It tells us that the shut down and suppress strategy should be used with care. That it doesn't do what we usually hope it will do, namely calm us down, lower the tenor of a conversation or bypass a fight. Most of the time, we shut down out of habit. We do it because we don't know what else to do. What I see, as a couple therapist, is that it really isn't so dangerous to just say that you are mad, sad, scared, surprised, somehow ashamed or full of joy. This list is about it for the real core universal emotions. When we name our emotions we often feel more grounded, more in control. And we give our partner the chance to respond - to empathize.

And in the end, giving our partner a chance to show us they care, that they can be with us and be there for us, is one of the magic ingredients of a loving relationship.




Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Daylight saving time begins soon: when do we change the clocks?

#Daylightsavingtime #March8 Since the winter solstice on Dec. 21, 2019, the nights have been getting shorter, and the days are longer. So, when do we change the clocks? Daylight saving time (often erroneously said as daylight savings time) begins Sunday, March 8, 2020. via GIPHY That Sunday, the clocks will spring forward, causing areas that practice daylight saving time to lose an hour (don't worry, the hour is gained back in the fall). When the clock strikes 2 a.m., the time will change to be 3 a.m. via GIPHY Most of the United States practices daylight saving time,  much to the disdain of lawmakers including  Lancaster County Sen. Scott Martin (R-Martic Township). Arizona is the only state that refrains from practicing daylight saving due to the summertime heat. The residents of Arizona prefer their cooler nights as a break from the harsh temperatures,  according to the National Geographic. The amount of sunlight ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Five Simple Ways to Start Communicating More Mindfully

#Communication #HealthyRelationship #Mindfulness  If you've ever practiced mindfulness, you're probably already aware of the many benefits it offers for the willing and dedicated practitioner. When we open ourselves to this practice, we create the potential for our lives to be transformed in ways that might seem subtle but are truly life-altering. Though many of the benefits of mindfulness are personal and internal—improved concentration, expanded sense of awareness, increased patience, and enduring states of tranquility, to name a few—some important aspects of the practice can positively affect our external experience as well. Take communication, for example. Using mindfulness in our communication with others can improve our relationships and help us navigate even the most difficult conversations. If you already have a practice of cultivating mindfulness, a little intention is all you’ll need to start applying it to your communication. If you haven’t yet developed a pra...
Post a Comment
Read more

New Drug for Depression, Derived From Ketamine, Is Approved

#Esketamine #FDA #Ketamine #Depression The FDA has approved esketamine for clinical use in cases of treatment-resistant depression, or depression that fails to respond to more than one antidepressant medication. Esketamine is a molecule derived from the anesthetic ketamine, which has itself gained steam as a novel depression treatment. The approval, which the agency announced on March 5, was widely expected after an advisory panel recommended 14 to 2 in favor in early February. But the decision is significant, the drug’s developers say, because unlike other antidepressants on the market, esketamine works through the brain’s glutamate pathways—making it the first new mechanism of action approved by the FDA to treat depression in 30 years. “This really promises a completely new and different treatment for many patients,” says David Hough, a psychiatrist who led the clinical trials of esketamine for Janssen Pharmaceuticals, the pharmaceutical arm of Johnson and Johnson and the d...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why the Beach Is Good for Your Mental Health

   #beach,#water #sun #mentalhealth # physicalhealth When the sun is out, and warm weather is in the forecast, heading to the beach is a no-brainer for most.  But what makes the beach such an excellent place for mental health? Three words—water, sun, and air. All of these natural elements offer some form of mental health benefits that helps the mind relax and allow the opportunity for social gathering. Being Near Crisp Blue Water Can Improve Your Overall Health Being near blue bodies of water like oceans, pools, rivers, lakes, and ponds can potentially provide various mental and physical health benefits such as: Improved relaxation Better social interactions A boost in brain health Enhanced physical activity Because of the many benefits of being near water, health practitioners are beginning to recommend getting near (or going in) bodies of water to improve your overall well-being. Vitamin D From the Sun Can Help Boost Your Mood Experts have found moderate sunlight to pos...
Post a Comment
Read more