#Communication #trust #Empathy #Attachment #mirroring #reciprocating #apology #defensive #Psychology
“Working on our communication” is one of the most commonly cited reasons couples seek relationship counseling. This is not surprising. Often, over time, even the best of relationships can fall victim to negative communication patterns.
This is especially true for couples who find themselves under a lot of stress because, naturally, when our coping mechanisms are overtaxed, we default to older—more primitive and less mature—ways of coping (cf. Weinberger & Stoycheva, 2019). A colleague used to say that when we are distressed, we become caricatures of ourselves—i.e., our worst qualities become exaggerated. It gets harder to employ our most thought-out and balanced ways of interacting with the world.
However, several tweaks only require a little time or effort, just repetition, and attention to our automatic behaviors that we can make to improve our connection with our partners. In a previous article, I discussed specific behaviors that undermine intimacy. Today, we will talk about the positive changes you can make in your day-to-day interactions that will help build more closeness and positive communication.
1. Mirror and reciprocate: Think of mirroring and reciprocating as your two most valuable strategies to make your partner feel understood and valued.
Mirroring is listening and clarifying what your partner is saying without inserting your thoughts or judgments. Frequently, in conversation, we listen to respond rather than to hear what the other person is trying to convey to us. This can result in partners often having two parallel conversations and not genuinely hearing each other. Instead, try to actively listen to your significant other and, in your mind, answer the question, “What are they actually trying to tell me?” Then, reflect on what you understood back to them. Mirroring can sound like this: “So, I think I heard you say that you are frustrated with your boss because of…” Notice how different this response is from: “Well, I don’t think your boss meant it that way” or “I have never seen my boss do that.”
Reciprocating, however, involves noticing your partner’s bids for intimacy and responding to them with engagement and attention. For example, if your partner asks for a date night, they may try to connect with you without directly saying it. Reciprocating may mean accepting the suggestion or, if you cannot, offering a different time. Think of how you would feel if your partner responds to a bid for connection with, “I have to work late this Friday, but how about Sunday evening?” rather than a disengaged, “Sorry, I can’t on Friday.”
2. Say thank you: Frequently, as our relationships deepen and we become accustomed to the daily routines, we forget to do the little things that show our partner that we appreciate them. While it may sound redundant that we should thank our significant others for doing mundane chores like throwing out the garbage, unloading the dishwasher, or filling up our gas tank, do not underestimate the power of positive reinforcement. Even if those are chores that “belong” to the other person in a relationship, saying “Thank you” demonstrates to them that you are not taking them for granted. Think of “Thank you” as a low-risk, low-effort but high-return investment.
3. Apologize, Authentically. Here’s the thing about apologies: Most of us were never taught how to apologize correctly. We produce vague, half-hearted, or “sorry, but...” kinds of apologies that often not only miss the mark but have the potential to cause more harm.
Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author of Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, discovered that a good apology—one that can transform our relationship for the better—has no ifs and buts in it and involves taking full responsibility for our actions without caveats. Her advice for apologizing constructively includes the following steps:
- Don’t be defensive. Don’t listen to the person respond or explain yourself; listen to understand them.
- Be authentic in your apology by showing genuine remorse.
- Drop the caveats. Of course, you can explain why you acted in a certain way! However, in an effective apology, your reasoning is irrelevant. Stick to expressing sincere regret, and avoid excuses or rationalizations.
- Right-size your apology. Many of us will overdo apologies by going overboard and overcompensating. An apology should be about the person you are apologizing to and their feelings. It should not put them in a position where they are now taking care of their emotional life and guilt.
Actions matter more than intentions. This one goes against the old saying, "It’s the thought that counts,” but it is essential regardless of whether we are discussing apologies or other aspects of the relationship. Ultimately, the effects of your actions and words matter, not your intentions. Pay attention to what you are apologizing for, and address its impact on the individual rather than talking about how you did or didn’t mean it. What is healing about an apology is our ability to understand the other person’s emotions and make them feel seen and heard.
4. Pay attention to physical touch: Back in the '50s and '60s, American psychologist Harry Harlow was inspired by John Bowlby’s studies on the importance of infants’ bond with their caregivers. He designed a series of famous studies with rhesus macaques, demonstrating that rhesus infants prefer warmth and the comfort of physical touch to food.
Since the monumental work of these two legendary figures in psychology (Bowlby’s work on attachment and Harlow’s work on nurturing), many studies have confirmed the importance of physical touch in our development. However, such benefits are just as prominent for adults. Recent research demonstrates that receiving affectionate touch promotes both psychological and physical well-being. Dr. Tiffany Field, who has studied touch extensively and was the head of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami’s Miller School of Medicine, has demonstrated that any type of touch—hugs, cuddling, hand-holding—can affect our ability to relax through impacting brainwaves, as well as decrease the human stress response through reducing cortisol levels. Besides the fact that touch has been shown to boost our immune system (it literally helps us produce the so-called killer cells that fight viruses, bacteria, and cancers), moderate-pressure touching, like rubbing your partner’s back or holding their hand, in fact, helps the body produce more serotonin, which is a natural anti-depressant.
Your partner felt joyful together, lost in a moment? Maybe you were sightseeing, or you went to a comedy show, or perhaps you played fetch with your dog on the beach. This is playing. To adults, it is equivalent to when children engage in imaginative games, fantasy, or fun activities together.
Donald Winnicott, a 20th-century pediatrician, and psychoanalyst, is credited with significantly contributing to our understanding of the importance of playing, which he viewed as a transitional space between subjective and objective reality and between our individual subjectivities. The ability to spontaneously engage in play with others is a sign of psychological well-being in adults and children.
When playing with your partner, you enter a shared relational space that enhances your bond and allows you to be authentic. It is as if you are together in a reality of your own, a world that belongs only to the two of you.
Moreover, play, in its nature, is autotelic—existing for its own sake rather than carried out because of external pressures not inherent in the activity itself. In the play, the joy of being together is the goal in and of itself. In turn, playing together creates a sense of knowing the other person, feeling safe with them, and improving your intimate connection.
Written By Valentina Stoycheva, Ph.D. The founder of STEPS (Stress & Trauma Evaluation and Psychological Services) and The Unconscious: Theory, Research, and Clinical Implications co-author.
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