Emotional boundaries are limits you place on the energy and emotions you give and receive in a relationship. They can apply to romantic and platonic, familial, and work-based relationships.
“Emotional boundaries have to do with protecting your own emotional state and ensuring that you feel safe,” says Gabriella Giachin, a licensed clinical social worker at New York City Psychotherapy Collective.
Establishing these boundaries can benefit your emotional well-being and lead to healthier connections with the people in your life (or show that some of them shouldn’t be there). Creating and honoring these limits can be all the more critical when your default is putting the needs of others ahead of yourself, adds Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy.
If you’re unsure where to start determining emotional boundaries for your needs — or how to discuss them with another person — that’s OK. Here’s what you need to know about creating and maintaining emotional boundaries.
Examples of Emotional Boundaries in Relationships
Emotional boundaries will look different for every person. They vary from small to quite significant but, regardless of size, they should always represent and protect what you need in a relationship. Here are examples of emotional boundaries you may want to adopt in your relationships:
- Don’t take on their emotions: If your partner is angry, it’s easy to take on that negative emotion for yourself. But doing so is exhausting and can create personal discomfort.
- Put your needs first: Putting your needs first overall and taking personal responsibility to meet them is a good boundary. It doesn't mean you have to be selfish or constantly blow off your partner, rather it lets you take care of yourself and be more present and regulated when you're with them.
- Don’t take responsibility for their emotions: It’s not within your power to ensure another person is always happy. Giachin says this important emotional boundary can look like trying not to feel responsible for fixing people's negative emotions. It can also help get rid of the expectation that you will entirely meet all of their emotional needs.
- Be clear on your time commitment: Your relationship will be a big part of your life, but it’s not your entire life — especially when it’s just starting. Joni Ogle, CSAT, a licensed clinical social worker and the CEO of The Heights Treatment, recommends setting limits on the amount of time you can commit to your partner.
- Maintain your independence: As Lurie explains, this “will ideally allow both parties to support each other while maintaining a sense of self.”
- Have your own life: You may want to maintain or go back to things you enjoy doing away from your relationship, like taking an art class or going on long walks. It can help you maintain a sense of self within your partnership.
- Don’t be their everything: You can’t be the person who is always saving them. “It is unrealistic to expect a partner to fulfill every need, and it’s not beneficial to ask that they set aside their happiness for yours or to allow yourself to do the same,” says Lurie.
- Set expectations around communication: This could be anything from asking the other person not to call you when they’ve been drinking and letting them know you will not engage in a conversation if they do, to preferring texts over calls while at work and letting them know you will not respond to calls at work but may be able to respond to texts.
Consequences of Not Having Emotional Boundaries
When you forego emotional boundaries, there’s an increased risk of taking on responsibility for your partner’s negative feelings or even absorbing the emotions themselves. “If your partner has a difficult day at work and comes home in a horrible mood, you don’t have to also be in a bad mood. You can continue your day while allowing them to feel and express their emotions without taking those emotions on, too,” explains Giachin. “That’s an emotional boundary.”
If you begin taking on someone else's negative emotions, you may needlessly also become angry or upset, and thus disconnected from your actual emotions. You can support and understand your partner's feeling without taking them on.
Emotional boundaries also help maintain the space where you end and your partner begins. “Without boundaries in a relationship, some couples may form maladaptive behaviors such as enmeshment, codependency, emotional burnout, and even increased conflict and resentment,” adds Lurie. “Sacrificing yourself for the relationship may work briefly, but ultimately, this is not sustainable and doesn’t really benefit the relationship over time.”
Without emotional boundaries, you may also spend more time and energy on the relationship than you would like.
Why Is It Difficult for Me to Create Boundaries?
In some cases, a person won’t create emotional boundaries simply because they haven’t identified that they need them. If you’re used to taking on the emotions of those around you or sacrificing your well-being for the sake of others, it can be hard to see the importance of boundaries. You may develop a need to “fix” whatever is bothering your partner, which can result in compromising your well-being and ignoring signs to create limits, says Giachin.
However, even if you know that you should have emotional boundaries, it doesn’t mean they’re easy to create. It can be challenging to break unhealthy behavioral patterns that can come from supporting your partner despite the impact it has on you. Issues such as fear of abandonment, insecure attachment styles, and low self-esteem can create additional obstacles.
The struggle to create emotional boundaries can also arise from fear of upsetting your partner. “The scare of judgment or rejection can make it hard to express their needs,” explains Ogle. While a healthy relationship can handle emotional boundaries, bringing up the conversation may still feel like a risk.
How to Discuss Your Emotional Boundaries With People
Bringing up the topic of emotional boundaries can feel stressful. Here are some tips on how to set yourself up for success with this important discussion.
Pick the right time for both of you
This conversation is important and has a higher chance of success if both people are available and in the right mindset to speak. “Check in to determine if you’re both in a space to be open and receptive to talking through these issues and that your environment is calm and free of distractions,” says Lurie.
Remember this is also an opportunity for your partner to express emotional boundaries of their own, and you should make sure to give them the space to express them.
Use “I” language
Instead of telling the other person how they need to change, use "I" focused language to explain how a shift in circumstances may make you feel more comfortable and happy in the relationship. Giachin recommends doing this by “focusing on what you need and what you’re not capable of giving, and allowing the other person to ask questions or feel their feelings about the boundary.”
Be Firm
Compromise is an essential part of any relationship, but not if it means creating boundaries that don't provide you the peace and separation you need. To make sure you get this out of your boundaries, make sure to “ask for what you need in a clear and direct manner,” says Ogle.
Revisit the conversation if necessary
It's one thing if someone is ignoring your boundaries altogether, but if they change or are accidentally overstepped a few times, it merits openly speaking again. As Lurie explains, “Setting and enforcing emotional boundaries can be a continuous process that requires a lot of patience and understanding from both parties.”
How Do I Know If My Emotional Boundaries Are Realistic?
An example of a reasonable boundary would be not immediately picking up your partner's phone calls while you are at work and requesting they text instead of call you at work unless there's an emergency.
An unreasonable boundary would be telling your partner you will never initiate any calls or texts with them and request they always reach out to you first. But, there’s a lot of room between quick, simple boundaries and ones that cross the line.
“Determining if they are realistic will vary from person to person,” says Giachin. “We all have different capacities for emotional support and regulation, so feeling out what feels safe for you and finding a healthy way to communicate in times of boundary setting can be really important in this process.”
It may be helpful to speak to a relationship therapist, either on your own or with your partner to help determine what boundaries are realistic and if they fit within your existing relationship.
What to Do If Someone Does Not Respect Your Boundaries
The way to deal with someone not respecting your boundaries varies based on how they are disrespecting your boundaries and how often. No one is perfect, and a person might overstep your limits accidentally or because they’re not sure where they lie. If what they are doing appears to be a mistake, be straightforward with them about it.
“Be curious and empathetic with your partner when you reassert your boundaries, and give them space to express their feelings about any shifts in your relationship dynamic,” Lurie recommends. While you shouldn't have to regularly justify or convince an unbudging partner why a boundary is important, it’s worth taking the time to lay out why they matter to you.
If the other person ignores or dismisses your boundaries regularly and purposefully, this is a different story. If a pattern emerges of disrespecting boundaries, it might be time to discuss what you’re looking for in the relationship with your partner and evaluate if they’re capable of respecting your boundaries and in alignment with your needs.
“This isn’t black and white and will vary from person to person based on the experiences they’ve had, but ultimately it comes down to feeling safe, secure, and supported in relationships," says Giachin.
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