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#HealthyRelationship #Marriage #Partner #trust #Respect #Love #Boundaries #redflags #Triple5LightTherapy #BlackMaleTherapist
by ALEXANDRA MCCRAY
When we look at couples in multidecade marriages, many of us wonder what the secret is to building a healthy marriage.
As it turns out, according to the three mental health and relationship experts we spoke to, the secret to building a healthy marriage is a combination of traits and skills that we can develop within ourselves and our unions. Read on for their advice on how to do both.
Look Inward First
The professionals agree that building healthy marriages requires spouses who understand the importance of self-awareness and self-reflection. “We have to be able to identify our own issues and work through them—even if that means through therapy—in order to be in accord with our partner,” says Alyce Keys, MA, a pre-licensed therapist in Atlanta.
Uriah Cty, MA, LMFT, in Los Angeles reminds us that while it is imperative to take responsibility for ourselves, we must draw the line there. He says: “It’s important not to make yourself responsible for other people’s feelings. The attempt to manage the emotions of others leads to a complex dynamic of power and control in our relationships. Assuming that we know another person’s thoughts and feelings is equivalent to presuming we know the way their mind works.”
Build a Solid Foundation from the Beginning
While communication is certainly an important part of any healthy romantic relationship, Keys notes that the foundation for it is comfort. This is but one area where the traits of honesty, trust, respect and support can come into play. Once that sense of comfort exists, you’ve laid the groundwork for unhampered communication to happen. And that is exactly the kind of communication all three experts advise you to have when determining the future of your relationship. When looking ahead, Cty says, “It’s important that the relationship moves at a comfortable pace, something that feels enjoyable for both partners.”
As expected, there are quite a few topics couples should be prepared to talk about regarding their views on and expectations of marriage. “Discuss what marriage means [to you], what you learned from parents/family, and what you want for yourselves,” says Thomas. “Address factors such as finances, including spending habits and debts, parenting plans, pets, religion and spirituality, gender roles, fears, educational/career goals, hobbies/interests, medical history, trauma, addiction, and sex/intimacy before marriage.” Thomas also says premarital counseling may be beneficial.
Besides listening to what your partner has to say about these topics, you should also respect their opinions, beliefs, and values around them and any other discussion points now and in the future, says Cty.
Handle Disagreements Wisely
You and your partner will not always see eye to eye, and according to our experts, disagreements shouldn’t be something you try to dodge. Instead, the professionals suggest you face them head-on, with resolution and hearing one another out as the main objectives.
When trying to figure out how to bring up an issue with your partner, think carefully about the discussion timing, Cty advises. “Find out when your partner is most comfortable having a difficult conversation. It’s imperative to choose a time that is convenient for both of you because a conversation that is more complicated will require more uninterrupted time,” he says. While having the conversation, “focus on the situation, not the person,” he adds.
Maintain Your Marriage’s Strength
Practicing the traits and skills mentioned above is vital to building and maintaining a healthy marriage, but there are other things you can do to fortify your relationship’s strength over time.
Starting with the heavier stuff, Thomas says it’s important to keep the lines of communication open regarding your values, goals, and desires. “As these change over time, discuss again,” she advises. Additionally, knowing that you and your partner can communicate openly should nudge you to talk to your partner versus guessing what their intentions or thoughts are. Thomas says, “Choose curiosity over assumptions and blaming.”
Other traits you should foster in your marriage include fairness, individuality, and playfulness, says Cty. Thomas adds that appreciation, fondness, fun, and care should be part of the mix as well. And if you need a little extra guidance, she suggests picking up copies of “The Four Agreements” and “The 5 Love Languages.”
Of course, counseling is always an option as well if rough spots arise that you can’t seem to tackle on your own.
Create Boundaries and Watch for Red Flags
Finally, it’s important to put boundaries in place for yourself and your relationship. “Boundaries keep us safe from internal and external intrusions. Establishing boundaries is key in a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of respect, both for yourself and others,” says Cty.
Two boundaries you may want to establish are who you confide in about personal matters and how much you choose to tell them. “Be mindful of the risk of talking to random people about your relationship, especially if they are not fond of your spouse or if their responses are not in line with your values,” says Thomas. “The person you should talk to most about your marriage is your spouse.”
As unfortunate as it may be, relationship abuse exists, and according to Cty, it happens more often than we may care to believe. He says: “An unhealthy relationship should be clearly evident if your partner attempts to physically harm you or force you into sexual situations without your consent; even if your partner says they love you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t harming you. I encourage you to seek help if this is your experience. Please call the [multilingual-friendly] 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline, which is available seven days a week, at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).” He also adds, “Be aware of those who might try and isolate you from your friends, family, and colleagues.”
Remember, abuse isn’t always physical. The National Domestic Violence Hotline recognizes the various forms abuse can take, including verbal, emotional, and financial, stalking, or the use of technology against you—all are serious.
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