#Yelling #Children #Parents #Communication
#Triple5LightTherapy.com #BlackTherapist #Psychotherapy #LGBTAffirmingTherapy
When kids misbehave, yelling feels like a natural
response, particularly if parents are stressed out and their tolerance for
nonsense has worn thin. The messiness and monotony of parenting requires
extreme patience, and yelling is a whole lot easier and more
instinctive than pausing to react calmly. Many parents find themselves shouting
at their children without really knowing why. But, despite the fact that yelling at
your kids feels like a release, a form of discipline, and maybe the
only way to get their attention, it’s important to understand the psychological
effects that yelling at kids can have.
As provocative as some behaviors may seem, little kids
simply don’t have the emotional sophistication to fully understand adult
frustration. And the psychological effects of yelling at toddlers repeatedly
can be long-term, with the potential to change the way their brains develop and
process information. As hard as it can be to resist the temptation, ultimately, yelling
at kids is deeply unhelpful.
According to Dr. Laura Markham, founder of Aha!
Parenting and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop
Yelling and Start Connecting, yelling at kids is a parenting “technique” we can
do without. Thankfully, she has some anti-yelling rules to remember, and some
tips for helping us learn how to stop yelling at our kids, no matter how
frustrated we may feel in the moment.
Yelling at Kids Is Never Communicating
Nobody (except for a small percentage of sadists) enjoys
being yelled at. So why would kids? “When parents yell, kids acquiesce on the
outside, but the child isn’t more open to your influence, they’re less so,”
says Dr. Markham. Younger kids may bawl; older kids will get a glazed-over look
— but both are shutting down instead of listening. That’s not
communication. Yelling at kids might get them to stop what they’re doing, but
you’re not likely to get through to them. In short, yelling doesn’t work.
Grown-Ups Are Scary When They Yell at Kids
The power parents hold over young kids is absolute. To them,
their folks are humans twice their size who provide everything they need to
live: food, shelter, love, Nick Jr. When the person they trust most frightens
them, it rocks their sense of security. “They’ve done studies where people
were filmed yelling. When it was played back to the subjects, they couldn’t
believe how twisted their faces got,” says Dr. Markham. Being screamed at by
their parents can be seriously stressful for kids. A 3-year-old may appear to
push buttons and give off an attitude like an adult, but they still don’t
have the emotional maturity to be treated like one.
Psychological Effects: Yelling at Kids Makes Causes Fight,
Flight, or Freeze
Dr. Markham says that while parents who yell at their kids
aren’t ruining their kids’ brains, per se, they are changing them. The
psychological effects of yelling at kids, especially younger ones, are real.
“Let’s say during a soothing experience [the brain’s] neurotransmitters respond
by sending out soothing biochemicals that we’re safe. That’s when a child is
building neural pathways to calm down.”
When parents yell at their toddler, who has an
underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and not much in the way of the executive
function, the opposite happens. “The kid releases biochemicals that say fight,
flight, or freeze. They may hit you. They may run away. Or they freeze and look
like a deer in headlights. None of those are good for brain formation,” she
says. If that action happens repeatedly, the behavior becomes ingrained. If
you’re yelling at your toddler every day, you’re not exactly priming them
for healthy communication skills.
Not Yelling Isn’t About “Letting Them Off Easy”
Parent may feel like they’re putting their foot down and
establishing some discipline when they yell at their kids. What
they’re really doing is exacerbating the problem. Scaring a kid at the moment
may get them to knock off what they’re doing, but it’s also eroding trust in
the relationship. Learning how to slow your reaction and stop yelling at your
kids isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
There is an alternative method that’s more effective and not
as hardline: humor. “If the parent responds with a sense of humor, you still
maintain your authority and keep them connected to you,” says Dr. Markham.
Laughter seems like a more welcomed outcome than cowering.
How to Stop Yelling at Kids
Remember young children aren’t trying to push your buttons.
Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Consider that yelling teaches children that adversity can
only be met with a raised and angry voice.
Use humor to help a kid disengage from problematic behavior.
Laughter is better than yelling and tears.
Train yourself to raise your voice only in crucial situations
where a child might get hurt.
Focus on calm dialogue. Yelling shuts down communication and
often prevents lessons from being learned.
Parents Who Yell at Kids Train Kids to Yell
“Normalize” is a word that gets thrown about a lot these
days, but parents shouldn’t underestimate how much power they have over what
behavior children believe to be acceptable. Parents who constantly yell and
shout make that behavior normal for a kid, and eventually, kids will adapt to
it. Easy as it is to yell in the moment, the long term effects could backfire.
Dr. Markham notes that if a child doesn’t bat an eye when they’re being
scolded, that’s a good indicator that there’s too much scolding going on.
Instead, parents need to first and foremost be models of self-regulation. In
essence, to really get a kid to behave, grown-ups have to first.
When It’s Okay to Yell at Kids
While the majority of the time yelling isn’t prescriptive,
“there are times it’s great to raise your voice,” says Dr. Markham. “When you
have kids hitting each other, like siblings, or there’s real danger.” These are
instances when shocking them by shouting works, but Markham says that once you
get a kid’s attention you should modulate your voice. Basically, yell to warn,
but speak to explain.
Nobody is going to stifle themselves around their kids all
the time, nor should they. That’s not what it’s like to be a person. But
failing to do so on a daily basis and constantly shouting is probably a less
than productive long-term parenting strategy.
Comments
Post a Comment